Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
