How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
