Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
