Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
