Well apparently he's into motor boating.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
