My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
