Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
