Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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