I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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