i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
we should paint friendship bongs
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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