Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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