DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
