I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
