The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
