Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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