I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
