Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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