if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
