Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
