okay pat passed out under dana's car
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize