Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
