Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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