please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
