So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
