I'm going to rape someone's good day.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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