don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Randomize
