Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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