How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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