I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
