It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
