Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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