I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
sarcasm needs its own font
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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