Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
