M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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