tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
