when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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