I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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