Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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