Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
