My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
