Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize