if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He did a backflip because drugs
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
