it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
