We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
