he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
