I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
