Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
