it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
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