My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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