A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
