You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
