Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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