my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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