they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I have fence marks all over my body
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize