he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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