why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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