it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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